For those of you who don’t know what a microburst is, it’s a strange weather phenomenon that occures when clouds, large pockets of air in the atmosphere, and writers at keyboards combine to create words with poor definitions.

One such event occured on Saturday, when a microburst hit Utah County. I was at home when the event transpired.

Indigo, our cat, was calmly watching NASCAR on TV while I simutaniously did the laundry, vacuumed the carpet, mowed the lawn, and wrote this article. Then, out of nowhere- BANG! (I assume it was “nowhere”, because I couldn’t turn my head in time to see the source from whence it sprang.) I ran outside and upstairs to our neighbors, where I verified that noise did not originate from the 5 year old boy who typicaly does his karate at 12 AM in the morning (By the way, after meeting his mom again yesterday, I decided that the reason the kid takes karate is to defend himself against HER! I tried talking to her the other day, but she wouldn’t even look at me. Of course, she may be deaf, which would explain all of the screaming that filters through the ceiling…but I digress.) But anyway- the microburst.

No sooner than I did start back downstairs, I heard another BANG! (this time I identified it as above me in the sky). Immediately thereafter, the winds picked up and I was encircled about by dirt, rain, and some other slimy contents which caused me to proptly shut my mouth. I ran back inside Wendy’s and my apartment and closed the door behind me. Indigo was crying and complaining (I assume because a power surge has knocked out our electricity and he wanted to know how Martin Truex Jr. was doing on his 34th lap in the MBNA Platinum 200.)

Having been in the Boy Scouts, I am knowlegable and calm in an emergency. And of course, I’m also prepared. This day was no exception as I grabbed my wallet and orange windbreaker and rushed out to the car, prepared to do battle with the other idiots at Wal-Mart who hadn’t thought beforehand to purchase a flashlight and extra batteries.

As I drove my way toward Wally’s, I noticed (and I’m not making this up) 4 telephone poles either broken off or flattened on the ground off to the side of the road. All electricity was out, and so were the stop lights. The only thing that didn’t seem out of the ordinary, were the many Utah-born drivers who pulled out their DMV manuals to see what laws applied to the situation, and upon learning those laws- broke ALL of them, as is the local custom.

Upon arrival to the Wal-Mart Super Store (“Super Store”, in contrast to the more typical Wal-Marts who only posses half of the incompetant employees), I noticed that the electricity was on in the building. They must have had a back-up generator or something, because all of the stores local to it were still down for lack of power. Inside, I bought a Maglight flashlight, extra batteries, and something else- I can’t remember what but it was expensive, because it cut our checking account in half. I’m just kidding- the flashlight and extra batteries had done that already!

By the time that I picked Wendy up and drove us home, there was hardly any evidence of a microburst- just the broken down telephone poles and of course, the Springville residents, putting back their canned corned beef hash into storage, unloading their shotguns, and pulling their “Heston for president” signs back out of the windows.